Thursday, February 28, 2013

A cake with no candles

There are not many words that describe the heartache I feel on February 28th every year, there's no way to remove the memories or the feeling of hopelessness when I remember that very moment, forever etched into my mind when they told us our highly anticipated daughter, the one that was OURS, had died.

I struggle every year to write the right thing, but I have no way to connect the words or the sentences. It is a chapter in my life sewn together with tears and written with a broken heart.

But I am blessed. Six years ago I couldn't imagine my life in a day, or two days. But it's been SIX years and here we are; four daughters later, living a blessed life. The life I wanted.

I still don't know how to grieve for her, I still don't know if I will ever remember her without tears coming to my eyes, but it's been six years and somehow that in itself helps me go on. The time has passed so slowly somedays, but it's passed. It's gotten better.

Today I get to wrap Mae in the quilt we made for Elizabeth and thank God he gave me the opportunity to be a mom to girls after all.

I am thanking God that our very new marriage survived, that my husband, without a doubt in his mind stuck by me through the ugliness that can come with grief. Anger, sadness, despair, depression. He was grieving too.

Sometimes I feel like fist pumping the air and saying, "We made it!". Despite so many odds against us, we're doing it.

Elizabeth is always tucked into my heart, a memory I won't ever let go, because even though its a painful memory, I am so grateful for what has come out of it.

I have never felt so close to God as I did that day when my water broke. He told me she would not be coming home to me, I knew it instantly and I felt a peace about it a few hours before we went to the hospital, that memory is the one I hold on to. I know that no matter what circumstances arise, He will be there for me, and he will be there for you too.

Right now there are so many who are grieving over their Mothers, sisters, daughters, and I don't know what to say to them, to you. Your heart will never heal, there will always be a scar, but over time it won't hurt so much. Hold on to the sweet memories, not the memories with a shadow over them. Remember the good times. Remember that there is a healer who wants to comfort you.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Happy Birthday Elizabeth Grace.

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