Comically Horrible

My day has been totally captastic.

6:00am. My alarm went off, Jerry turned it off then I fell back asleep.

I woke up at 7:30. Usually I like to get up before the kids. I shower, turn the tea water on while unloading the dishes and start the day with a smile and clean hair. Not today.

Iris and Lucy were both screaming in their beds. Not crying, screaming. I get up and as I'm getting dressed (knowing there is no shower in my forecast) Sam bursts into my bedroom crying/sobbing/gagging that Joe deleted Kingdom of Keflings. One of his favorite games. He wants a hug and demands justice. I'm still naked. Some how I communicate to Sam to get out of my room and would you please get Lucy.

He goes in there and she screeches more. She wants me to get her. I refuse. "If you want out, Sam will help you." then I go downstairs with a crying Iris on my hip.

Iris cried harder when I ask Molly to read her a book. I have to make her food stat! she usually sleeps until 9 or so, I know she must be battling her teeth. She cries through her bottle, even though I'm holding her, and patting her and even holding the bottle for her. The kids are swirling around me fighting. I'm not joking - Sam is sitting on the top of the couch behind my head yelling at Joe, "You are GROUNDED from the X-Box, right Mom? Joe - you are in so big trouble you will not be able to go to school ever again!? Right Mom!?" Joe starts screaming (you should hear the kids crying, it's the worst sound in the world. Especially when it's a mad cry.) and flopping around on the couch. I realize that repetitive screaming is coming from the girls holding "Princesses have manners" book. Each one has a side and is pulling as hard as they can.

I'm still dazed, looking around I can't comprehend what's going on. Where are my normal, sweet, smiling, cuddly children I can hardly detach from my legs in the morning? Why is everyone crying and fighting? I give myself a silent pep talk... you know when you close your eyes, take a deep breath and your brain screams "DEFENSE!!!"

I send the girls to their rooms, Joe to his room and set Iris in the highchair with cheerios. Tea water, oatmeal, bananas, day old scones. The point is to get as much food into these little cherubs as fast as possible. I call them back down and set them to eating then go find Sam's things for school. The screaming in the kitchen continues while I take a few deep breaths again. My brain is scrambling for potential distractions for the kids. I hear glass breaking and run back downstairs into the kitchen. There is oatmeal on the walls, the chairs, the baby (I didn't give her any!) there are scone crumbs on the curtains, and a broken dish in the sink.

deep breath, deep breath, deep breath.

Clean wash cloth, wipe down the walls, the chairs, the baby, the counters... kids are still fighting. Lucy ate Molly's scone. Molly wants cookies not oatmeal, Joe wants another banana. Sam wants a banana, it was his birthday yesterday after all. He wants to practice the Lord's Prayer and I turn youtube on my phone.He wont let Joe look, they squabble, drop my phone. Iris is screaming. I hear the garbage truck - wait, that's the bus! Sam has miraculously for the first time in his life put his socks and shoes on without continuous reminder. He has to run for the bus.

I put Iris by the toy basket and figure she will fuss until she finds something interesting to chew on. I should find her some tylenol.

Joe says, "WhatshoudIdoI'msoboredi'mstillhungrycaniplayoutsidecanigotoethanshousecanigotowyattshousecanigotobenshouse?" I tell him to run a bath.

Lucy is eating a banana that is still connected to the bunch of bananas in the bowl on the counter.

I start laughing and get a text from Jerry, 'Good Morning". While I'm responding I hear the bath water turn on in our bedroom and I'm thinking that Joe knows he's not supposed to use my bathroom.

Lucy is in my bathtub in her clothes in ice cold water. She starts screaming and the same nanosecond as Molly and Joe. Their water (in their own bathroom) is too hot.

I get them figured out then head downstairs to finish cleaning the kitchen.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Lucy put tooth paste in the baaaaaath tub!!!!" I run upstairs, she has emptied a new tube of desitin into the kids' bath. Molly's hair is coated in it.

I haven't had one of these days for a LONG time!

I wipe her down and drop her in her bed, close the door and do the same for Iris.

I turn Sid the Science kid on for Joe and Molly. I grab my phone and see another text from my husband, "Wow, sorry!" I text him back everything is going to be better now and I'm awake and on top of it when I spot the cat drinking my tea.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

I'm taking a break for my devotions and pinterest with a fresh cup of tea.

If there is anything I learned from my Mom it is to turn up worship music louder than your kids can scream and have a tea party.

I'll be ready when our time outs are done.

Oh yes... I'll be ready...