I've been trying to blog... really, but I just can't. If I tried to blog it would look something like this,
"I have been struggling this week with accepting myself for who I am. I want to be... more. I'm not being the best I could be. I need to be better."
I have been struggling with postpartum depression. Did I just say that? What is it about women that don't want to admit this? Why is it SO hard for me to say it. Jerry suggested I talk to someone just so I'll feel better. More like myself and a little less sad and I feel completely defensive; "What? No, it's not that bad. It'll go away." I'm just a little bit sad, that feeling of being a little bit tired and a little bit not good enough. It's just a little bit harder than necessary to joyfully clean my house. After a few days of not really doing much around the house I was able to put my finger on it; hopeless.
I like to close my eyes, breathe deeply and listen to Chris Tomlin.
"My chains are gone and I've been set free" - I remind myself that this is true. I don't have to have these thoughts, I don't have to keep things in my heart that have hurt me. I don't have to and shouldn't continue to think about hurtful things that people have said to me/about me, things I've thought people were thinking about me, things I've thought about myself. I try my best, I always try to be myself. I shouldn't feel bad that I can't do it all, that I'm not homeschooling the kids, that I'm not feeding them organic peanut butter. I shouldn't feel bad when Iris has to cry for a few seconds while I finish something up.
I remind myself that God's hand is on my family and he is guiding me and showing me how to be a better mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter. I make mistakes. a lot. But I am a good intentioned person and even I forget that.
Remember Kait, his mercy rains unending love and amazing grace.
So I decided to schedule something, because... I feel a little bit miserable, and I wonder if this is something that's been "haunting" me for a couple of years... I think I'm afraid to go and they'll say, "Nope, this is just who you've become."
It was grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fear relieved.