Saturday, September 4, 2004
So I woke up this morning in a good mood, my sister and her roomie were coming over, Colleen and Anna are here, and we have wafles for breakfast, and it's a nice day and it's a good weekend and I had fun hanging out with Matt and Bethany and Nathan, Spencer, Anna, Colleen, Steven, and Lynette out at the pet cemitary. It was a good time, that reminded me of old times. But today was not what I expected. I do not feel very well and so I took a nap, which ended up being three hours and I woke up cold, which is never pleasant... but all weekend being with young people who are happy, and who have such big plans for their lives. Spencer and Anna, they're so cute and cuddley, and Matt and Beth, they seem so comfortable with eachother... I keep wondering what I have done, I've messed up alot lately. But have I done something I wish I did not do? Or have I done something that is right but I wish did not hurt so much. I am lonely not because I don't have friends, I'm realising that right now, I am lonely because... because I'm hurting from losing someone who's very dear to me. Two people, two people who filled my heart so very much are not here, you can say I pushed them away, I know I did with one, but the other? Why did it have to be now? Why did now have to be when she decided to be so cruel, why now? Why can't she even explain what I have done, I don't know. I wish I knew, but now I have only people I've held at arms length. And now that their all here, I wish I didn't have them, I wish I only had the two people I've loved. The two people I'm missing the most and the two people who have been so horrible to me. Why should I miss them and why do I still love them?